Is It Too Late for Barbie to Have a Bat Mitzvah?

THE PATH is sometimes just the crazy places my mind goes….
***
In a surprising twist, the most iconic W.A.S.P. (White Anglo Saxon Princess) has been outted as Jewish. Barbie, the best-selling doll spanning eight decades, seems as surprised as her fans.

“I never knew my mother was Jewish,” states the OG (Original Gentile) Barbie. “I never had a Bat Mitzvah. And we celebrated Christmas at the Dream House.”

“Ruth Handler, a Jewish businesswoman, created Barbie. Having a Jewish foremother makes her Jewish,” the president of the Anti-Defamation Bowling League explains, “Yes, Barbie can have a Bat Mitzvah even at sixty-four. According to the rule of matrilineal descent, anyone with a Jewish mother is considered Jewish. Barbie looking like a shiksa, though, with her smooth flowing blonde hair and perky nose, is offensive.”

When pointed out that the Yiddish word “shiksa” can be offensive, along with talk about noses, the president was suddenly not available for comment.

Based on push-back from the Jewish community, with cries of, “Oy, vey! No way! We’re not going to be appropri-hated,” Mattel has agreed to make a substantial “gift” to the state of Israel, as well as creating a rabbinically authenticated Jewish Barbie.

In a statement from Mattel, a company representative said, “We simply didn’t know. We wish to make amends to the Jewish people and make this right by giving Barbie her long overdue Bat Mitzvah.”

Barbiegate has ruffled the feathers of anti-Semites everywhere.

“I don’t need to know what a Bat Mitzvah is to hate it,” said one, clutching Roller Skating Barbie to her tube top where BARBIE FOREVER was bedazzled in sequins. “Now they’re worshipping bats? No way Barbie is Jewish! Just more fake news from the Jewish Intellectual Mafia. We can prove Barbie being Jewish is a Zionist plot.”

When asked to elucidate, she was available for comment, none of which we can print.

In addition to producing a clearly Jewish doll, Mattel has secured Taylor Swift—an actual iconic shiksa—to kick off the doll’s release at her special Eras concert in Brooklyn, New York. In an homage to the first Barbie’s 1959 birth date, Ms. Swift will appear onstage next to a life-size special edition Jewish Barbie, both in matching 1950’s poodle skirts.

Ms. Swift will be lowered onto the stage swinging on a humongous Jewish Star wearing a wig that’s an explosion of dark curls in solidarity with Jewish women everywhere. A female rabbi will then officiate special edition Barbie’s Bat Mitzvah, a rite-of-passage denied to her fore-sisters.

When asked to comment about all the challahbaloo over Barbie being Bat Mitzvahed at her concert in front of gazillions of fans, Ms. Swift said she was writing a song dedicated to Jewish Barbies everywhere roughly titled, “Shake It Off, Non-Shiksa, Sista.”

When pointed out that shiksa can be an offensive term, Ms. Swift replied, “Since I am one, I can use it.”

The line of Jewish Barbies will number ten to represent the Ten Tribes of Judah, with a feminist pivot from ten sons to ten daughters. The first three Jewish Barbies—available in time for Christmas—are:

Bat Mitzvah Barbie: To keep the long-suppressed tradition moving forward, Mattel will launch the series with Bat Mitzvah Barbie. Comes with removable head gear and her own chair to be hoisted on and carried around the temple hall over the guests’ heads by the strong hands and arms of Ash-KEN-azi dolls (release date unknown).

Jewfro Barbie: Hair that expands in the humidity of a southern summer or year-round in the bathroom during a long, hot shower after reading, “Are You There, G-d? It’s Me, Jewish Barbie.” Includes a mini flat iron and gold guilt coins for prizing original Barbie’s hair over their own.

Kosher Barbie: Created to combat the trope that Jewish women can’t cook; they just make reservations. Dream House (sold separately) comes with two kitchens and two sets of dishes. Includes a white chef’s hat, stickers to mark dairy and meat dishes, and a menu from Jews-Eat-Here-on-Christmas-Day Chinese Buffet.

Protests are already planned around the nation for the doll’s release, including simultaneous book burnings in front of public libraries and bookstores.

“First Jews took over Hollywood, and look where that’s getting them,” tweeted XX, the Grand Poohbah of Haters Gonna Hate, Hate, Hate Anonymous. “And now this? A doll I wouldn’t let into my house, let alone my daughter’s hands. H.A. patriots will be tossing that plastic abomination into the fires of hell, along with every book ever written by a Jew including Catch Twenty-Jew.”

When asked what they make of all the fuss, no one at Mattel was available for comment.

Neither was Barbie’s maker, Mrs. Handler, who is presumed dead and rolling in her grave.

Special edition Jewish Barbie was spotted in Barbados lounging on the beach in her iconic black and white striped bathing suit, an alleged Bat Mitzvah present from Ryan Gosling.