Why Biological Parents Must Draw Clear Boundaries for Step-Parents

Stacy’s mum got married when she was 13, to a guy from Spain and she and her family came from South Africa. Her parents divorced when she was 5 and her sister was only 3 so for most of their life they knew no one else apart from her aunties, mother and granny. The first time Stacy saw Carlos was when he dropped her mum off, she peeked through the door and saw him in their living room sitting on the chair that her father used to sit on. Her little sister Miriam, now 7, was excited, Stacy struggled to understand how seeing a new man in their territory was exciting even the slightest, but probably a guy with a funny accent from Europe could do that to her.

Three years went by quite fast and without conversations, Carlos was permanently on the seat that Stacy’s dad would once doze off on. They got along for a while, but that’s because Stacy’s mum insisted that they all had to play nice, she even said that if she wanted to call him dad she could even though she visited her dad twice a month. Carlos moved in with his sons after he married Winnie, Stacy’s mum, and everything changed, it felt crowded and even worse why was Carlos trying to act like Stacy’s dad?

A few times the two sister’s overheard Juan and Pedro tell Winnie that she didn’t have a right to say anything to them because she was not their mum. At some point, Carlos and Winnie argued about whose child was more disciplined than the other. Their mum would say “they are still young and they’re not used to having men around, give them time!” what they were all trying to do was a blend, the only other thing that is harder than climbing Mt Everest, in my opinion, is blending families or being a step-parent.

You’ll quickly learn that kids have their minds when you’re a step-parent. The kids might get along famously with their step-relatives and enjoy connecting with both of their birth parents. Almost every stepparent will eventually hear the phrase “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my Mum/Dad!” Stepparents are often the target of intense resentment from kids in stepfamilies.

Being a single parent means you’ll face many lonely moments which may lead you to date, which is not bad, but if you rush through things, you may be seeking a mother or a father figure for your child which will not work out as long as that’s your main motive. Including other people in your family unit is challenging, so you should not rush decisions or the process of assimilating your children with your spouses. When you force relationships between your children and your spouse, chances are you’ll have kids who pit one parent against the other, refuse to see a parent who doesn’t live with them or spew their resentment on the parent they spend the most time with.

It’s crucial to make an effort to get their perspective on the matter. Parents frequently believe that their children will have the same demands and desires as they do. Stepparents normally experience difficulties if they entered the partnership with unrealistic expectations. The conflict between stepfamilies over matters like routines, boundaries, discipline, and general behavior is normal.

The biggest mistake you can make is expecting your children to get through their emotions without your guidance. Most parents often feel like they’ve sacrificed a lot for their kids so when they choose a partner that makes them happy they expect their children to let them be as a form of thanksgiving, though this is reckless and very selfish. Children didn’t ask to exist, so it is your responsibility to ensure that the people around them are good people who are ready to take on parental roles and if that means you have to wait a while then that’s exactly what you need to do.

Parents usually think that as long as they love their beloved other half, children should automatically accept that, but unless they’re adults who can choose to walk away (which still wouldn’t be ideal), you need to test the waters before sinking your ship into a mess. You need to understand that children have a very different perspective of their parent’s relationships and especially when you don’t take the time to explain it to them.

In a stepfamily, adults and kids see things very differently. First of all, all decisions are made by adults. The decision to disband one family and establish a new one is made by the adults. It’s possible that the decision made by another adult led to the initial separation or the creation of a new stepfamily. However many adults may believe they are in charge, but this is insignificant compared to how kids are more likely to feel. In many cases, kids feel powerless to speak up.

Children will experience guilt following a breakup because they believe it was their fault, either through their actions or inactions, or because they were bad or unworthy enough. Children who experience their parents’ separation may feel obligated to care for one or both of them and may believe it is their duty to reconcile them. A new adult will be viewed as a threat, and a new family can be viewed as evidence that they failed to either mend fences with their parents or provide adequate care.

In the case of Stacy and her sister, they kept reminding Carlos that he didn’t belong to their family and that he was in no position to tell them what to do. It’s pretty simple, in their minds they knew that the only way to be loyal to their father was by denouncing their step-father, it didn’t make it any better because their biological father applauded their efforts since he was still single. Children may believe that refusing any emotional ties with the new adult is one way to maintain the connection with a missing parent or try to maintain the bond between their two parents by using them as a bridge. Even if they enjoy the new partner, they may not want to get along with them because doing so would feel like betraying their other parent.

Why is it important to create boundaries? Because boundaries will help your children understand that you’re not trying to replace their parents and you have to acknowledge that the separation didn’t have anything to do with them but your differences. By creating boundaries, you help the new parent understand that your relationship with your children will always be prioritized and that there’s a possibility that they’ll be the first to leave if it doesn’t work out.

Of course, you can’t heap all the responsibility on the new parent but we have to call out the negative experiences step-children go through in situations where the step-parent is an absolute nightmare, just ask Cinderella, and she’ll tell you. Stepfamilies can exist for several reasons, but we can all agree that they can only exist if one person (the one with the kids) or two people come together with children who are not all related by blood and then start a family.

Keep in mind that if you were ill, or traveling your child/ren will be spending time with these people. Your child must feel safe enough to let you know if they’re not comfortable in case the step-parent is not so great, but ultimately you have to be ready to hear from both sides of the story in other words, you have to be ready to be a mediator throughout and especially in the beginning when you’re all trying to incorporate your values and traditions together in one household.

Set aside some time as a family, if you haven’t previously, to discuss and develop a set of ground rules. Get at least one rule from each person and agree on the consequences. Once this has been accomplished, agreed on a contract that you can all adhere to and review as necessary. Explaining this to them could encourage them to accept the ground rules more because they are family rules, not just for the kids.

Children gain a lot from being cared for by people who have the authority to restrain them and say no. Adults competing with one another to push those boundaries might make children feel more insecure and vulnerable. Due to remorse and a desire to improve the situation for the child, parents and stepparents may give in to the requests. It seems as though yielding to pressure makes up for the loss of their first family. Parents may also act in this manner because they want to be loved the most. It might be challenging to be the grown-up and put your personal needs aside, especially after a romantic breakup.

A popularity contest doesn’t help anyone in the long term. If you win, the kids lose, and if they lose, you also lose. You all need adults to act like adults, to be able to step aside from the conflict, the uncertainty, and the grief, and to act in the child’s best interests. This could entail acknowledging the degree to which stepparents and parents must work together. It could entail recognizing when and how your personal preferences and requirements differ from those of the kids, as well as what adjustments should be made to accommodate everyone’s demands. The most important thing to remember is that it takes time, but if you’re successful you’ll have a lot to rip as a family.