It is Scary but You Need to Tell Your Child about Their Absent Dad

Sooner or later the question comes up and it comes up when you least expect it. It will come up when you’re in the middle of folding laundry while watching Oprah or Top Gear and your child will ask “can I ask you something?” you’ll think that they’d like another fruity loop but instead the heaviest question will be laid on you “where’s my dad?” I can tell you for a fact that this question takes all of a child’s effort to ask, it means that by the time they’ve asked you about the absent parent that they practiced asking you in front of the mirror and they pictured your reaction if they’re teenagers they probably asked their best friend if they had room for an extra homeless teen because of your explosive reaction. Do you get the point? It’s not an easy question to ask.

Children frequently wonder why their father isn’t present in their lives, which is only natural. These are questions you cannot ignore, no matter how painful it is to be the one who has to do the explaining. You should have a plan for what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. Most mothers feel shame about how their child was conceived or the fact that they were left alone to raise the child/ren. However, it would be more shameful if you lied to your child that their dad died or that he traveled to Iraq and never returned; it will eventually catch up. The truth of the matter is that you and your child/ren were the victims of an irresponsible parent and with time your children will understand why. Playing saint and pretending that it didn’t happen will only be a source of pain for your kids, especially if they can’t receive your honesty, which might be brutal but necessary.

Acting like you single-handedly made your child alone will create resentment and will leave you unprepared. The best thing to do is to come to terms with the fact that there will be a time when your child will want answers and the best thing to do is think about what they’ll want to know and prepare yourself. Depending on the child’s age he/she will probably want to know where their father is, and why they left if they’ll ever see him and the hardest question may be why he doesn’t want to see him/her.

Before these questions are answered, it might be beneficial for you to “set the record straight.” It could be a good idea to organize your thoughts in terms of what you specifically want to divulge to your child and what you don’t. You might not want to tell a very young child that the father is, for instance, in jail or dating someone else if you think they won’t understand. It might be best to hold off on telling a child anything that they can only grasp after they reach a specific age until they have matured further. The story is also different for mothers who chose to cut their dads off if they happened to be abusive in any way, this particular situation will only make sense if the child is of age and able to understand why you made that decision. You will experience a range of different emotions and this is all part of being a single mum. But as you tell your story you may be tempted to reach out to the father or have some form of communication with him but do not forget how they left, how they treated you, or why you had to cut them off.

The child will probably come up to you and ask these questions more than once, so keep that in mind as well. In fact, you should prepare to have this conversation often with the child throughout their lives, right up until the time when they reach adulthood. The conversation can and should “evolve,” so you should be mindful of that. You might decide to wait until your child reaches adolescence before telling them that their father has “another family,” as an example. This tactic has advantages and disadvantages. The advantage is that you are holding onto the knowledge till the kid is “old enough” to handle it. The disadvantage is that the youngster might accuse you of lying and harbor hatred toward you.

It is clear that the decision, to be honest, is not an easy one in every season you must take care of yourself, and surround yourself with positive people who will encourage you and help you answer some of these hard questions if need be. If you’re a single mum you might be asking why your children need to know their dad when you’re able to provide everything but you must remember that your children’s need to know their dad is not because you’re doing something wrong. A child wants to know their dad because it is their identity because he/she wants to know if their nails that look nothing like yours are from the father or from you, it’s the biological need to want to know more about who they are and where they come from because truth be told you’re only 50% of your child and there’s an unexplainable 50% that needs to be accounted for.

My piece of advice is to be accessible and forthright. No queries should be considered “off limits.” Try to maintain your composure and emotional distance. Keep your emotions in check, so they don’t affect how the child interprets the event or how you respond. Be as forgiving and tolerant as you can. Recognize that your child has every right to ask the questions they are, as the circumstances are incredibly puzzling to them.

What happens if you lie or you choose to ignore these questions? You leave your child to figure things out on their own and eventually they assume that they are worthless which then creates abandonment issues. When you decide to have the conversation, create “talking points” that you may use as anchors to keep the conversation level steady while preparing and coming up with a strategy to handle the child’s inquiries. Make careful you utilize language that is appropriate for the target audience. As opposed to “he has some other kids,” it is more beneficial to say “your dad has another family.” Children have a propensity to “make everything about themselves,” or to project things inward. Your responses to their queries should make it obvious that there is no connection between the child’s actions or inaction and the father’s absence. In other words, “[you] aren’t to blame.”

I know that this is a hard discussion to have and I commend you for feeling the need to do the right thing, if you’re reading this and you’re in this dilemma I assure you that it’s not your fault. As we’ve spoken about, the child has a right to inquire about their father and a right to feel upset and perplexed about his absence. It is best to let the child know that you understand their feelings when they share them with you. Sometimes it’s more crucial to be there for them emotionally than it is to actually offer solutions.

Invalidating your child’s feelings or the need for answers will create such a great void and God knows you don’t want your child to find the wrong things to fill that void. Please refrain from using phrases like “get over it” or “suck it up.” Remember that this could be the most significant conversation of the child’s life and that now more than ever, you need to be there for them.

To help fill the void it is important that you find positive father figures that will help. They could be a coach, teacher, neighbors, grandfathers, or uncles. They could be anything! If they are good, decent men who can serve as good examples.

In spite of how challenging it may be, you should promise to always be there for the child to answer questions and talk through issues. If necessary and wanted by both parties, you can and should offer to connect with the child’s father but only if he’s interested and does not harm your child in emotionally, mentally, or physically. Though you may make mistakes along the way, the worst error you could commit is to exacerbate the problem by evading yourself, even for a brief period of time.